Played: 2 // Won: 2 // Lost: 0
Runs Scored: 400 // Runs Conceded: 496 // Wickets Taken: 14 // Wickets Lost: 10
Tour Party to Vis: Jitou Balkrisna, Nick Berry (capt, wk), Jamie Berry, James Brown, Dan Gibson,
Chris Redhead, Alf Rehman (w-capt), Dane Sunderland, Marcus Walters
Dear Diary,
First light: had a cup of tea, put me trousers on and I think about leaving the ‘Ouse …
Scratch that Parklife malarkey..
I woke up on day one of the 6th TKCC tour at 0515 GMT more excited than a kid at Xmas…
I had a cup of tea did me press-ups blasted through my HITT class with a 13.7% increase in reps on Monday’s corresponding challenge, did the school run and then settled into a mad panic that my Wizzair ticket to Split was still stuck in my inbox.. The absolute wankers!!
1047 hrs: arrive at London Bridge 18 minutes early for my vertical trade tasting of 9 vintages of the Award Winning Clonakilla ACT designation of origin Shiraz Viognier.. insane wines.. Set my alarm for 13.30 to leave the tasting in very good time to get to Luton Airport Parkway.
1430hrs – having arrived late at the tasting due to spending an hour on the fone with Flight network finally releasing my boarding pass – I absolutely leg it to Blackfriars (weighed down by half à saddle of slow roast venison A ceps and bitter chocolate risotto, SOME wine and 52kgs of communal cricket kit, tasting notes and far too many changes of underwear) – catching the last possible train to get me to the airport on time..
16.32 : miraculously with no further delays or issues (well that was fortunate, Ed.) I joined Soulman Bez Ma & Mi, .. for the FIRST BEER OF TOUR 🍺 🍺 🍺 🍺 🍺 Starco was in the executive lounge sipping champagne and signing off on some mega commercial deal. The early standards had been set!
16.34 : we head to departure lounge… we find the plane virtually empty and grounded on the runway for a further 20 minutes we worry as to whether the Giscours debacle might be reoccurring…
A false alarm Indeed!!!!
20.15 CET: arrive at Luca Modric international airport.. Our attack leader Starco (Spenno unavailable due to no good reason) followed the South Easterly Adriatic breeze to the South Terminal car park (great navigational skills, Ed.) to meet our Uber dude and the TK’s were up and running!!
21.45 after a RAPID turn around we meet Kirsty & birthday boy Portugal Boss in the main square for first meal of tour.. Skipper having forgotten the date leaving this writer to scurry around the back streets of Split looking for a belated happy bidet gift ..
23.15 enforced early night as all the bars in the harbour where we would make our final move the following morning firmly shut – we made the most of the hot tubs and remarkably comfy beds.. Starco making an early move on Soulman’s perennial top knockers award with one helluva Airbnb booking… CHAPEAU… THE TK CC tourists or at least 2/3rds of us HAD ARRIVED in à Blur.. Now thats what I call Vorsprung Durch Teknic 😘
Beep, beep, beep. 2AM. Urgh, very early. It was, of course, but this was the choice I made when I decided to save £30 by booking an earlier EasyJet flight.
A coffee, shower and a final check of the packing list later, I was picked up by my pre-booked Uber. An Uber that cost me £80 and as we set off towards Bristol Airport, I realised had immediately cancelled out any saving made by said earlier flight.
It was hard to work out whether it was the price of the taxi that was making me feel queasy, or the conditions inside of it.
Rizwan – the driver bless him – seemed to have set it to maximum heat and maximum humidity. Perfect for swinging it, the bowler inside me said. And boy did he swing it. Round country bend after country bend after country bend. The West Country’s finest. Stomach turning. Head spinning. I sipped water and started to wonder whether I was still cut out for all of this. I could be in bed, still asleep, with a quiet weekend ahead.
Snap out of it. That’s the mindset of the weak. Real men don’t think like that. Real men leave their ill children at home to be solo-parented by their wives whilst they go off to have fun abroad with their friends. Get your head in the game.
Beep, beep, beep. Not an alarm this time. A 4AM text from Marcus. “I’m lost” it said. Baffling really, as Bristol airport has one departure terminal and one combined entrance and exit. My foolproof co-travel plans unravelling at the first hurdle, which I hadn’t even realised was a hurdle.
Anyway, it turns out he’d been dropped off at Silver Parking for some reason. 10 minutes away by bus. I’d have to wait a little longer before setting eyes on my travelling companion and roommate for the weekend.
When we did see each other it was clear he was struggling to contain his excitement after three years apart. “Alright?” he said. “Yeah not bad” I replied. And we were off, like no time at all had passed.
We weren’t planning to drink before the flight. At least that was the party line at home. But that all changed when we saw a group of Welsh women wearing what can only be described as some of the most disgraceful slogan t-shirts I’ve ever seen. A beer was needed for the shock. Then another to secure a nap on the plane.
Tires touched down on tarmac at 0930, and we were ready to attack the day. A bus into town and a pitstop at a café near the bus station for a bit of breakfast. A pizza slice for me and a hotdog for Marcus, or so we thought. Spotting a few weary travellers at her till, the lady – presumably Head of Upsell – told us what we actually wanted, cheese and spinach twists, had just come out of the oven. We nodded, she bagged it up and handed it over. The receipt told me it was double the price of our original choices, but to be fair, it was twice as nice.
About an hour later the lads turned up. Hugs and hellos done, Alf and Dane, the adults who know about wine, went off to find some good stuff for the evening’s tasting. A selfless reconnaissance mission. The rest of us, the children who didn’t know about wine, headed off for some token sightseeing. We walked around for about 45 minutes in pursuit of ‘the castle’. We saw some nice buildings, sure, but I don’t know if any of them were ‘the castle’.
With the first cultural portion of our tour complete, we found a place for brunch. Once again looking for the authentic Croatian experience, most of the team went for the local delicacy. Forgive my pronunciation of this, but I think the Splićani called it a ‘ham and cheese omelette’. Good, apparently.
I wasn’t hungry after my premium pastries, so I stuck to drinks. Three of them to be precise. It was an approach mocked by others at the table, but let me talk you through my thinking. Drink One. Coffee. I’d been up since 2AM as you know, and needed a pick-me-up ahead of the afternoon. A full fat Coke. Quench a thirst after a flight, and some sugar for energy. Finally a glass of rosé, because I was on holiday. And because I was on holiday, I chose one from the ‘high quality wine’ section of the menu. Simple method really, when given the chance to explain.
The ferry to Vis was a subdued affair, but that was no bad thing. As men of experience, we knew without saying it to each other that the journey would be a good opportunity for some downtime. So as tins were handed out, and headphones went it, we all slipped off into our own little worlds for an hour or so.
We docked a little after 4PM. Rested. Sun shining. Spirits high. Steve met us on the harbour, which was nice of him. But the message he brought from the hills was less so. It was something to the effect of “make the most of it you pathetic little men because it’s going to rain more than you’ve ever seen ever in your lives on Saturday. If you think we’re playing even a single over of cricket, you’re dreaming. Oh, and that wine tour you’ve booked, it’s shite. Anyway, your accommodation is over here…”
Our accommodation was great, to be fair. And after a swift freshen up we went down to the beach for a swim. Then to a bar for a couple of lagers. And then home, with Nick muttering something about an old fish market. Bless him, it’d been a long day.
The evening, in my book, was the ideal first night of tour. A steak dinner washed down with Croatia’s finest white, rosé (they must have ordered from the high, high quality wine menu) and red wines – all whilst surround by great friends, regaling tales of tours gone by.
A glass was raised to the tales to come, and we all went to bed at about 2AM. Full circle.
A goods night’s sleep was had by my roomie not so much for me as there were bad storms and hurricane noises coming deep form within the throat of the abyss!!
Another early start for me and Neal page, from the slightly earlier night to bed both still half cut after another evening of drinking food and camaraderie before hand, we crawl out of the pits and leave the sleeping beauties behind one final check on the captain just to make sure Ben dover Soucek didn’t sneak into his room!
No sea swimming this morning to wake ourselves up, out we walk through the claustrophobic streets and there she was in all her glory the first step of the journey the 2hour ferry!
On time and a quick cup of coffee for Neal, then a long sleep for the boy, me I had to Lisson to all the oldies shouting to each other not sure if there all deaf or that’s how it is
2 hours later on time Neal sleeping soundly this time startly awakes I ask if we should leave now as were docking, startled he replies where is everyone, yes let’s go we made good time there.
Off we go an hour or so to waste so waste it we will, Neal desperate for a cheese and spinach hot bun was disappointed to be told it’s a 20-minute wait, let’s walk around the harbour again! eyes wondering looking at tackie shit on all the market stalls nothing appeals to us and its back to the bakery still no joy, pizza looked good to me, no spinach thing yet for Neal so a hot dog and a bottle of multivitamin drink to replace what was lost over the weekend. Another 20 minutes later bits of information from the awaking dead another check for a cheese and spinage roll, no deal so leg 2 on to the bus we pop!
The shuttle bus 30 minute journey so why not a 25 minute kip for Neal a muted journey for me all goes well
Banter and good wishes from the boys more wine tasting for Mr Majestic all going well
Leg 3
Neals awake, into the miniature airport we walk nice and quite “we have plenty of time del fancy a cheese and spinach roll” no lets see what they got? With another or so to burn “I fancy a beer” with more will power than that I decline a small beer is drank at pace “I liked that I’m having another you want one?’ My will power drained and I couldn’t let my mate drink on his own it was a yes from me. The worry from security was put at ease when it was practically empty, through I walked as the girls checking were to busy talking about shopping later in the day, Neal gets stopped “take your Jesus sandals off was the remark as the buckles sent the alarm off! With that done the old quick scan of the passport worked for me but for the second time not foe Neal.
Into the waiting room we sat “just going to get a sandwich”
No cheese and spinach
Back Neal comes 2 beers and a chicken roll (a drink problem?)
No!! beers were shared
“How’s the sandwich?””
Dry as assholes was replied
On to the plane we go, not much conversation with Neal as he had to sleep for 3 hours me on the other hand had a 3 hour talk with a girl and had her life story told to me I now know her dad, granddad, mum, kids where they live what they eat how she’s a great cook what shoe size she is and I never managed to tell her my name!! The sleeper awakes and off we trot through security all passports working Birmingham awaits, doesn’t disappoint total shithole.
Leg 4: Urber
Neal great with the tech books a taxi to the coach station Neal manages to just about stay awake for this 25 minute trip there in no time with an hour to spare we head for some food, a subway was eaten the first green food id seen all weekend and the stomach wondered what was going on back to the coach and it was full we just got on and a couple of people had to make there own way back wtf that was lucky!
Leg 5: Coach
This was another silent trip as I think my roomie has sleep Akina another 2 hours sleep for Neal this went with no problems except my boredom
Leg 6: Car, Train
Waking sleeping beauty up, getting off the coach getting to my pickup I thanked Neal as I defiantly couldn’t have done it without him we departed I’m hoping he didn’t fall asleep on the train as he had nobody to wake him up!! And I haven’t heard from him in 3 days.
Many thanks to everyone involved had another fantastic time x
Ps does Dan ever complain about lack of sleep?